On a fateful day in April, 2001, my 51-year-old husband had a stroke and the whole world changed. Suddenly, I was the god in my universe. I interevened wherever possible to keep his stress levels down, preserve his frail health, and keep him as happy as possible. In so doing, my entire being began to disintegrate--without me even recognizing it. Far from omniscient, I couldn't even see my own health declining.
Playing god, did not work out too well for either one of us. When he went to be with the Lord eighteen months later, everything I thought I knew, my entire world, was taken away. Dieing a sudden death was my godhood. Within months, the battle to keep the house was ended as the house was sold. My pets had to be given to a shelter. The majority of my possessions were tossed into a huge roll-off box and hauled away. How I blamed God!
Sitting in the rental apartment, stomach full of grief, broken in body, mind, and spirit, I heard that still small voice ask, "Have I got your attention?" The first thing I learned was that God did not ruin my life as I wanted to blame Him. It wasn't God, it was little-g god, me. What I had to learn is when I fail to let God be God, that when "I" get in the middle, R-U-N turns to R-U-I-N. Throughout my husband's illness, I had prayed, but I took over wherever I could because God might not get to things in time or do them my way.
God interposed His wisdom when it came to my home. He knew I could not afford the mortgage no matter what I might have tried. There was not enough insurance to make a difference there. The stress I was experiencing in all my efforts to keep everything going as a widow had my heart pounding and my stress levels off the scales. How cruel it all seemed--the widow-woman loses everything. But, when God finally got through to me, I began to understand that the house, pets, and possessions were all stressors.
Slowly, with the encouragement of a Christian friend at my job, I let God begin a new work in me. I thanked Him for welcoming my husband home and for giving him in Heaven the healing he could not receive on earth. I gave myself, my life, to God. He can RUN it and my job is to keep the "I" out of it!
